My relationship with food isnāt great.
Iāve been reading Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Made Simple: 10 Strategies for Managing Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Panic, and Worry by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD. Itās made me think so much about my anxiety and start to pick it apart. Itās also made me want to talk about it, but I still struggle to actually do that (thatās what therapy is for). So, for now, Iāll write about itā¦
Iām constantly thinking about how I can help people understand my situation in a way that makes sense. Basically, mostly in date-like food situations, I get so anxious that I canāt take a single bite of solid food without gagging so hard that I eventually vomit. Itās not exclusive to dates; it also happens with friends and family if my head is in an anxious space, though this happens less frequently.
My anxiety has conditioned my body to be wary of food and to not always trust it. That sucks. Growing up, my relationship with food was amazing! Iāve always been tiny, but I could usually shock everyone with how much I could actually put away. However, because of bad relationships, self-doubt, and reinforcement of negative thoughts over the last several years, itās often very hard for me to get excited about food. Eating has become a chore. Iāve started to ārewardā my cravings by giving into them when they arise, as an attempt to bring that excitement back to food and eating.
Iām always conscious of how other people perceive my weight and eating habits, which spirals my anxiety more. Just please trust that I know whatās good for me. Trust that my bottom line is getting food in my body, period. If I push myself too hard and canāt keep my food down, that ends up being worse than if I only eat a cup of soup or a small salad and actually manage to keep it in my stomach during an anxious period.
Itās all a process, and itās not fun or easy, but I really want to make this work and learn how to cope. There are people I care a lot about who Iām so ready to jump these hurdles for. Hereās to the journey.