Let’s talk about mental health. A show got me last night… Modern Love on Amazon Prime is a series based on a New York Times column by the same name that explores relationships, love, and connection.
Episode 3 is called “Take Me as I Am, Whoever I Am” and starts with Lexi in the supermarket looking for “Mr. Right.” She’s bubbly, outgoing, and finds Jeff in the peach aisle. They make a date for Thursday, and Lexi goes off to work.
Lexi is bipolar. Thursday rolls around, and Lexi’s hit a low. She goes on the date but appears disinterested. She comes out of her low a couple of days later and calls Jeff to come over for dinner. She’s ecstatic, cooks a big dinner, gets dressed up, but as she’s putting on mascara in the bathroom, she feels the low pulling her. She asks herself in the mirror to keep it together. Then the mascara tube slips into the sink as she collapses on the toilet. Her buzzer sounds, and she makes a move for the door, desperate for love, but sinks to the floor and sobs in the fetal position.
That’s when it got me. It reminded me of all the times I’ve broken down in the shower, couldn’t get out of bed, and sobbed on the cold bathroom floor because I wanted that love. I tried to put myself out there, to date, and I wanted to prove to others that I was trying. But my anxiety always managed to get its claws in me—I retreated and stopped trying.
It was really hard, extremely isolating, and very lonely. It’s still something I struggle with, but some tricks for me have been:
Being open and honest about my struggles. Even if it’s just a post like this.
Finding someone I’m willing to push through these debilitating anxious moments for. The person I was willing to go on date two with.
Being vulnerable and honest with him about what I’m going through and hoping he doesn’t run away (he didn’t). The right people will try to understand—they’ll support you. The right people will stay. Period.
None of it has been easy, but hopefully bit by bit it will get easier or more manageable. All that to say, I really enjoyed that episode of Modern Love because I saw myself, and sometimes we all need a reminder that we’re not alone.