Content Warning: This story contains sexual coercion, emotional abuse, alcohol use, and trauma. Reader discretion is advised.
We were out at one of your friendsā places again, like most Saturdays. The stale air was clouded the room as drunk young adults played mindless drinking games and pretended the world outside didnāt exist. Like most Saturdays, you drank a little too much.
The party started with you all over another woman and ended with you crying on the pool table about missed opportunities and how you wished you were better. I got you to your car and into the passenger seat, your head resting on the window.
I did my job as your sober girlfriend and drove you home safely while you sat silently, watching the streetlights blur past as you drifted in and out of consciousness. You never once thanked me for being there, for cleaning up after you, for listening to all your insecurities, and for constantly supporting you.
We got to your house and I called your name to wake you. Nothing. I nudged you. Nothing. I shook your arm and was met with a venomous, āfuck off.ā The words landed like a punch to the gut. I took a deep breath willing back the tears, afraid of making things worse.
I finally got you out of the car and you stumbled to the front door. I punched in the passcode and guided you to the couch. Once you were settled, I escaped to the kitchen to get you a glass of water. When I returned I covered you with the blanket your grandmother had knit.
I sat beside you as you mumbled on about nothing. I brushed the hair from your forehead and kissed your cheek. I was too scared to leave. I wanted you safe. I wanted to be there if you needed me. In those days, I was desperate for you to need me.
After you had some water, you kept insisting we have sex. I wasnāt in the mood. You hadnāt paid attention to me all night, and Iād tried everything to be noticed. I wore makeup even though I hated it. I wore the āgirlyā outfit you liked even though girly isnāt really my thing. I even acted unbothered when I noticed that someone else had caught your eye.
But now your hands were on me, whispering, āI want you so bad.ā I made excuse after excuse. No, your parents are upstairs. No, youāre too drunk. No, Iām too tired. You kept pushing, telling me you needed me, telling me you loved me, using those words like bargaining chips.
I donāt know why, but I said I was sorry and told you I was going home. Your face clouded over. I could see it in the waning moonlight. āFuck off then,ā you spat, tongue lashing like a whip. I kissed your forehead anyway as I choked back the lump in my throat.
As my fingers grasped the doorknob your hands appeared on either side of my head, encircling me, trapping me. You pressed your body against mine, forcing my face into the door, and stripped my legs bare. You whispered, āI need you right now,ā as if that would make me want you more. My heart raced, but it was different. This time I was scared.
I froze, I did nothing. I was your girlfriend. I loved you. I thought I owed you something.
Your hand moved between my legs, relentless, trying to make me like it, to make me want it, to make me beg for it. Your touch was rough and you kept asking, ādo you like that?ā I didnāt. My eyes glazed over as my mind drifted somewhere else.
You hadnāt paid me this much attention in so long. I longed for you to touch me so this must be what I wanted. Iād been the girlfriend you wanted tonight, and you were showing me that you were still attracted to me. Right?
So why were there tears welling in my eyes? Why did I feel hollow? Why did I feel dirty? Why did I want to crawl out of my own skin? Why did I hate you at that moment? And why did I still love you?
Eventually, you got bored and retreated to the couch without a word. I pulled my pants up from my ankles, hands shaking, attempting to cover my shame. I stumbled to my car, fumbling with my keys, my mind already searching for excuses.
That was the first time I felt less than human.
Authorās note: The incidents here took place but I have taken creative liberties in stringing them together into one single night for impact.